About two months ago, I met a friend for coffee. She walked in, sat down with a flourish (as she is known to do) and by way of greeting said to me, “I figured it out, I know the issue with good girls.” Amused, at her cuteness and straightforward style, I smiled and asked her to enlighten me.

She leaned in and said with deep knowing and a glint in her eye, “good girls either think they’re not ready, or that it’s too late.”

Well, you could have knocked me down with a feather, and hit me over the head with a sledgehammer, she had just pegged me to a tee. I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me and I nearly choked on my latte.

In a flash, memory after memory flooded my minds-eye.

I remembered when I was 25, in a prestigious acting school in NYC, believing with all my heart that I was over the hill and that I would never ever be good enough to make it in the movies. I had a double whammy of “I’m not ready” and “it’s too late” going on. I also remembered that I had high hopes of doing a triathlon about 10 years ago, but convinced myself my knees couldn’t hack it, and that I should have crossed it off my bucket list years before.

It also became uber-apparent that “I’m not ready” was what had been keeping me on the side-lines over the last two years as I have immersed myself in every bit of learning and growing and mentoring and coaching I could find trying to get ready, trying to feel ready to put myself out there as a professional speaker.

I had never thought of it that way, but in that instance, knew she was right.

What’s interesting is I had had a dream just a few days prior where I saw myself standing on the edge of a sheer cliff. I was all decked out in a stylish jumpsuit made for aerodynamics. I had my goggles, and helmet, my parachute and even a barf bag. I had everything I could possibly need for my journey. I was ready. All I had to do was step off and trust that I could fly. I started to take a step forward into the unknown when I caught a glimpse of the loooonnnnnng drop to the rocky bottom and my fear…my fear woke me up in that moment. At the time, when I woke straight up, scared shitless in bed, I had no idea what the dream was trying to tell me. I’d always wanted to fly but I really didn’t see myself taking up cliff jumping any time soon, and as you can imagine, “it’s too late anyway” was my instant excuse.

The moment my friend made her remark, I knew exactly what my dream meant and how significant it was.

Since then, I’ve asked about 20 women their thoughts on, “I’m not ready” vs. “It’s too late” and I always get a thoughtful response. Women in their 20’s and early 30’s are on it, going after their goals full blast, with no time to think about how ready they are or if time is a factor. Women in their late 30’s, 40’s and early 50’s are a mixed bag zigzagging back and forth between the two. Women in their late 50’s and 60’s err on the side of “It’s too late.” And, the few women in their 70’s that I spoke with acknowledged that their bodies weren’t what they once were but that they could and would do anything they wanted. Nothing was stopping them now.

I have to say the idea has occupied many of my waking hours and apparently many of my sleeping hours as well.

Why do women feel like they aren’t ready to do the things that light them up?
Is not feeling ready a stalling technique?
Does not feeling ready mean we are always in a constant state of preparation, always the bridesmaid never the bride?
Why does time dictate what we think we can and can’t do?
Are we destined to be the White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland – always running late?

I obviously don’t have all the answers, but I do want to explore this idea further. What do you think? I am interested in knowing your thoughts. How old are you and how do you feel?

For me, at age 44, I know that the realization coupled with the dream has been a swift kick in the ass. A kick I sorely needed to get on with my big dreams.

Fear was dictating what I thought I could and couldn’t do, and when I thought I could or couldn’t do it. I have let fear control me for way to long and finally decided to take back control.

I found the courage to face my fear and take a leap of faith. I am not letting worry over safety nets, and the possibility of falling flat on my face get in my way. I know in my heart of hearts that I was meant to jump, and just like a bird, was meant to unfurl my wings and fly.

You should see my pretty fly-suit fluttering in the wind.

I can’t wait to see yours too.

Wanna come fly with me?

All you gotta do is trust and let go. You have wings too, I promise.

I would love to hear from you. What are you thoughts? Do you struggle with either feeling you’re not ready or that it’s too late? Let me know how old you are and how do you feel?

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I have a confession to make…I’ve been seriously writing this “Finding the Funny” post for 10 days now. Usually I can bang one out within a few hours…from idea, to first draft, to taking a break allowing the words gel, to the second edit, and voila, the final piece.

This one however has proved difficult. Each day I sit down and tinker with it, and each day I simultaneously write a little bit more as I edit a little bit less. Each day I read what I’ve written and each day I’m annoyed at the result. As the days have passed I’ve become more and more determined to finish it come hell or high water, no matter if I am happy with it or not, just to get it off my plate and out of my hair. Some days I’ve wanted to tear my hair out. I’ve worked my way into a serious, no nonsense tizzy.

At the end of each day instead of publishing it, I’ve had a staring contest with the delete key thinking to myself, “Screw it, I’ll just write about something else and be done with this headache.” And yet, bright and early the next morning, I’m back at it. Like a fly to a fly swatter, I flirt with disaster. Obviously, there is something I need to learn, to get, to understand.

And finally this morning, in the shower I figured it out (I’m not sure why the shower is the perfect environment for creative a-ha receiving but it is, and I am grateful)!

I’ve been WAY TOO SERIOUS. I have been trying to write about “Finding the Funny” in a very intense way.

Hair full of shampoo I realized, you can’t talk serious when you’re discussing funny. You can try, but as I’ve proved, you end up in a tailspin. It needs a light, airy, fun, quippy, hand.

Heavy is out, easy is in.

I also realized that for me, this seriousness has reared its heavy head once or twice (or more often than I would rather admit) in my life.

I didn’t come into this world all serious and heavy. I was lighthearted. I embodied the moment and relished the joy. I was also a pretty funny kid. I used to laugh a lot and I loved to make people laugh. I was never on track to be Ellen DeGeneres but I had a funny bone.

Somewhere along the line though I left the funny behind in childhood and became a serious adult. Sure, I can still laugh but it’s lost some of its spontaneity.

That’s what you’re supposed to do right? Take life seriously?

Honestly, in what rulebook is this written? Supposed to, shommosed to! There are no supposed tos!

Serious in and of itself isn’t a bad thing but it can act as a trap. Being too serious can cloud the lens we see the beauty of life through. It can make us believe life is difficult, hard, no fun, and stressful.

Serious can get in the way of enjoying life. It gets in the way of taking life in, of releasing and relaxing. It adds to the dragging, drudgery, have tos, and shoulds!

Sure life can be a pain in the ass sometimes. Everyday things happen that try our patience and require our tenacity. Opportunities are lost, and accidents occur. People say things that make us furious and do things that defy imagination. We say things we regret as soon as they’re uttered and do things we’d rather forget. Sometimes, the only way to make it through the day is to force our way through.

Life can certainly be no joke.

And yet, who says we can’t laugh at it? Who says we can’t find the funny in the everyday crazy and complicated? Who says that “serious” is the only way to get by?

What if you could find the funny in the moment?

What if finding the funny could change how you relate to the things that happen in your life and actually make your experience easier and more enjoyable?

To me, serious (when used in this context) is synonymous with force just as finding the funny is synonymous with flow.

Serious happens when we try like hell to make (or force) life go how we want it to go. When we try to control it, or we feel out of control, we lose the joy, the ease, and the flow.

This kind of serious is different from being dedicated; it’s a control-freak energy that takes over like a black cloud when life isn’t working out as planned. It’s a control-freak energy that dictates our actions and the forced results we create. Same ol’, same ol’ serious results, same shit different day, until that’s all we know, until we just shrug our shoulders and lament, “that’s just how life is.”

Serious sucks the fun out of life.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Finding the funny is finding the flow.

Finding the funny is living in the moment. It opens the energy. It allows us to find the joy. It gives us the constant opportunity to enjoy the present and be “in” our lives rather than walking around with a glass is half empty, why me, this sucks, Murphy’s Law attitude.

If you’re the type that constantly frets thinking the other shoe is always about to drop; the type who often scratches your head and wonders, “why does this always happen to me??”…you need to find the funny and laugh more.

They say laughter is the best medicine.

Deepak Chopra said it this way, “Seriousness is equated with responsibility, when, in fact, I think we would be much more responsible if we had more joy and laughter in our lives.”

Mahatma Gandhi said this, “If I had no sense of humor, I should long ago have committed suicide.”

And according to famed cancer doctor, Bernie Siegel, M.D., “I get many poems and letters containing healthy humor that grows out of the author’s affliction. These wise people are seeing life in its fullest and not making the affliction the central point of their existence. Laughter can always remove fear and anxiety, no matter what the situation. You can’t suffer when you are laughing. The two just can’t be experienced together. It has to be one or the other, and joy always overcomes fear. Love creates, but laughter is the cement that holds our lives together.”

Finding the funny is good for you. It helps you relax. It helps others relax. It lightens your burdens, inspires hopes, connects you to others, and keeps you grounded.

When you approach life from a finding the funny place, you go from a glass half empty to a glass half full; you go from serious to lighthearted; you go from force to flow.

Remember, finding the funny = finding the flow.

Take care of yourself in each moment by finding the funny.

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If you Google “Invest in Yourself”, you’ll find a bunch of articles about 401K investing, stock tips, getting rich, and developing your “human capital.” Almost all of the listings on the first page (excluding the one on human capital which was pretty interesting and can be read here) are geared for the ultimate goal of obtaining external wealth in the form of cash and big bank balances.

And, let’s be clear, there is nothing wrong with external wealth and having the cash flow you need to be the woman you are, to make the difference you desire to make, to do the things you want, to have the life of your dreams.

Wealth is a wonderful thing. And external wealth is definitely an outcome of investing in yourself but it isn’t the only outcome and nor, in my opinion, is it the most important.

To me, investing in yourself is building and nurturing internal wealth.
It’s taking care of you too.
It’s a commitment to making sure your needs are met and your happiness is a priority.
It’s a promise to developing your potential.
It is devoting time and energy to you—to your body, mind, and spirit.
It is sacred self-care.
It’s taking a stand.

When you take a stand and invest in yourself, you are making a big, loud, grand declaration that YOU ARE WORTH IT.

It’s a self-fulfilling cycle that goes like this.

When you invest in yourself by taking care of yourself, you build internal wealth, and when you have a wellspring of internal wealth to draw from, you feel worth it. You invest in you, and your internal wealth grows. You invest in you and your self-worth multiples.
As it does, you begin to exhibit behavior that communicates to the external world that you are worth it, and when you do, you will attract experiences, opportunities and people that continue to add to your worth. The more you invest in you, the more worth you will feel, and the more internal and external wealth you will create.

What do you do to invest in you?

When we think investing, we mainly think money but money is by-product, not the ultimate prize.

Knowing that YOU ARE WORTH IT is the ultimate prize.

Below are 21 Ways to Invest in Yourself today.

1. Read everything and anything. Read books, magazine articles, the newspaper, blogs, textbooks, trashy novels, Wikipedia, biographies, and Craptastic (my way of referring to the celebrity rags). Read it all and let your imagination and knowledge base be overrun with information.
2. Relax. Let yourself have down time. In our over-stressed, high-octane world, we all need time to recharge. Give yourself a break. Do things that soothe your bones, brain, and nerves.
3. Travel the world. Give yourself the gift of immersion in other societies and cultures. See the sites, learn the language, talk to people different from you and learn what makes them worth it. If you don’t yet have the cash, no worries. The Internet is a wonderful tool that makes the other side of the world just a click away.
4. Learn. Always be growing and evolving, inquisitive and curious. You are never too old and it is never to late to go back to school, to take a class, to take up a hobby, or to try your hand at a new skill.
5. Ask questions. Think of yourself as a two-year-old again and ask the question, Why? Only now, wait for and absorb the answers given. Don’t be afraid to ask yourself, Why? What is your Why? What drives you? Why do you do what you do and be who you are?
6. Try new things. There is always something new to do and experience. Don’t be afraid to try the ones that excite you. Don’t poo poo adventure.
7. Meditate. Ground. Center. There are a 1000 ways to meditate and there is no wrong way to do it. Just do it.
8. Play. Laugh. Enjoy the moment. Play isn’t just a gift for the young to enjoy. Play at your life instead of work at it and you will have so much more fun.
9. Trust your intuition. Trust your gut. Listen to your inner GPS. Your intuition is your connection to the divine.
10. Find a coach/mentor. We all need guidance and someone to turn to. We all need a shoulder to lean on and someone to show us the ropes. Find your person.
11. Ask for help. Reach out and admit when you need support. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness, in fact, it shows your strength. It shows courage. Call out for connection.
12. Receive. Life isn’t just about giving. Receiving is just as important. Allow yourself to be given to, to be supported, to be helped, and to receive.
13. Be creative. Use your creative abilities. Express yourself. Draw, write, paint, dance, and sing. Solve problems; find new solutions. Think of better ways of doing things and put them into practice. Allow yourself to create.
14. Work out your body and feed it right. Exercise and nutrition. It’s not like we don’t know we should. It’s not like we haven’t been told a million times that eating right and exercise is good for us. So do it. Find the willpower to invest in yourself and care for your physical body. You only have one.
15. Use your voice. Communicate. Express yourself. Find the words. Listen. Share. Be heard. Let the world know you—the one and only you with your unique set of quirks and sass.
16. Treat yourself. You deserve to be taken care of and treated with respect, kindness and love. You deserve to be treated to fun, joy and passion. You deserve to treat yourself like the Everyday Wonder Woman you are. You can’t expect anyone else to treat you better than you treat yourself, so treat yourself well.
17. Take baby steps. One foot in front of the other. Keep moving forward. Set an intention or goal and then break it down into bite-sized pieces and do those. With action comes accomplishment, and with accomplishment comes momentum, and with momentum comes triumph. Baby step your way to success.
18. Say NO. When you want to say no, say no. Say no instead of “I should.” Say no when your gut is screaming at you. Say no when yes doesn’t feel right. It’s okay to say no. No isn’t a four-letter-word. It is a simple and effective way to set boundaries and take care of your time, attention, and focus.
19. Say YES. Say yes to you. We are good at saying yes to everyone else and also in denying ourselves. Don’t deny yourself. Say yes to you too. Saying yes to you means you count too, your needs are important too, you are deserving too.
20. LOVE Yourself. Love you too. Say I Love You to you everyday. Find a mirror, look into your eyes, and say I love you. Allow yourself to feel the love you give. Allow yourself to receive it. We are so busy loving everyone else that we sometimes forget to love ourselves too.
21. And, repeat! Over and over and over again.

There are probably as many different ways to invest in yourself as there are people in the world. Each person has their own way of making themselves stronger, smarter, safer, and more centered, his or her own way to unwind or ramp up, to take in and let out. Each person is uniquely qualified to nurture his or her beauty and health, value and esteem, knowledge and passion, and joy and effervescence.

Which of the above 21 gets you fired up? Which one scares you? Perhaps they are the same?

My challenge to you is to invest in yourself for 21 days. Are you up for it?

To participate in the “Invest in Yourself” 21-Day Challenge you must choose one or two of the above 21 and do something each and everyday to honor your commitment. Choose the one that excites you, or the one you fear. Or, if you’re feeling really ball-sy, you can choose both and commit to each for 21 days.

Of course, I’m not going to challenge you and sit on the sidelines. Dang girl. I wouldn’t do that to you. We’re in this together. I’m going to participate in the “Invest in Yourself” challenge too.

So here’s how “Invest in Yourself” 21-Day Challenge works:

1. The “Invest in Yourself” 21-Day Challenge begins on Monday, April 1, 2013 and ends at midnight on Sunday, April 21, 2013.
2. You choose one or two of the 21 Ways to Invest in Yourself (listed above) and share your commitment(s) on the Good Girls Anonymous Facebook page. We gotta know what you are striving for so we can support you!
3. Each and everyday you take baby steps towards your goal of creating a new Invest in Yourself habit.
4. At the end of the challenge, send me an email to kim@goodgirlsanonymous.com and share how the 21-Day Challenge was for you, what step you took on, where you triumphed and where you struggled, how you felt about the process, and what your results are.
5. I will accept emails for 7 days. On the morning of Monday, April 29, 2013, I will begin reading all of your emails, and I will choose one of you to receive a set of SHINE Cards™ valued at $17.95. SHINE Cards™ are a creative, positive tool to help women access and reveal their unique inner voices. They represent 123 Aspects of What It Means to Be a Woman. My mom, Mimi and I created them just for you. You can check em’ out here. If I do say so myself, they are a beautiful way to continue investing in yourself.

So what am I committed to? I am committing to concentrating on #17 Taking baby steps. My goal is to book at least a speech a week throughout 2013 as my way of serving and giving back. Everyday, I will share my passion for Women Leading Lives on Their Own Terms By Knowing When to Say NO with at least three people letting them know that I am available to speak to their companies, organizations, and groups.

It takes 21 days to form a habit. We can do anything for 21 days. We are worth it!

Are you with me? Are you up for the “Invest in Yourself” 21-Day Challenge? Let me know in the comments section below and/or on the FB page. Share what you are going to commit too?

Start investing in yourself today.

SHINE Cards image credit: Jim Delutes Photography
Invitation image credit: faithie / 123RF Stock Photo

Do you ever feel like you are struggling? Struggling to be seen. Struggling to communicate. Struggling to take action. Struggling?

Ever feel like you want to cry but put on your happy-face mask instead?

Ever feel like your inner bully might get the best of you? You know, when she’s on a roll, running her mouth ad nauseum, saying you’re not motivated enough, not smart enough, not young enough, not __________ – you name it, she’s saying it?

Yeah, me too.

My inner bully (a.k.a. Lucy) has been LOUD, incredibly insistent and downright annoying lately. Her words have been difficult to stand, difficult to manage, and difficult to fight through.

She tears at my self-confidence and sometimes at the end of the day; I’m just plain done with struggling to maintain my composure. Sometimes, at the end of the day, I just plain feel not good enough.

And feeling not good enough feels pretty damn crappy.
So, I wallow in crappiness.
And, in my wallowing, I feel incredibly alone.
And, in my aloneness, I feel separate.

Separate…like no one else on this whole planet can possibly understand how I feel.

Separate because in my wallowing I know, without any shadow of doubt, that everyone else is better than me, richer than me, happier than me, healthier than me, more pulled together than me, prettier than me, thinner than me, more enough than me.

And, the truth is, THAT IS BULLSHIT.

Truth is that we all, at times, doubt ourselves, feel different and weird, get sad and angry, feel old, ugly, dumb and out of our league. Truth is we all feel alone sometimes and in our aloneness we feel separate. Truth is that most people at some point or another, in some aspect of their lives, feel not good enough.

Truth is We Are All Good Enough and We Are All In This Together.

Growing up good girl cemented our, “I am not good enough” mentality. When we’re told repeatedly, “be a good girl and go take care of your brother,” or “good girls don’t act like that,” or “good girls only get A’s,” or “good girls don’t let boys kiss them,” we were basically being told that if we didn’t act accordingly we weren’t good. We were being held to a high and mighty good girl standard, a standard with no wiggle room, a standard that no regular, NORMAL, wonderful human being can live up too.

We were basically being told that “Good Girl” was the goal and that we weren’t good enough until we attained it.

And I bet if you’re anything like me, you tried really, really, REALLY hard to be good and over and over and over again, were proved wrong.

In my struggle, I’ve thought about growing up good girl and the rules I learned to live by. Yes, there’s perfection and people pleasing and not easily saying NO, but there are others too. Other rules that affect the woman I am today.

And, it struck me that the big, guiding, glaring, neon-light-flashing rule that affects each and every decision, choice and move I make is my feeling, “not good enough.”

Feeling not good enough had affected everything from fully loving myself, to embracing success, to expressing my truth, to feeling joy in each moment, to welcoming wealth, to meeting my man, to feeling like a good mom, to feeling free, to being happy.

Feeling not good enough has been the prison I have lived within, alone, separate, looking out at everyone else living lives of substance, living lives of purpose, living happy lives, lives that I could only dream of.

Living lives that I judged them for.

And, little did I know that I wasn’t alone, that there were other people also walking around jailed and judging.

Little did I know that “I’m not good enough” is a label many of us wear, and many more of us have tattooed somewhere on our psyche.

So, sometimes, I feel not good enough, and although it scares me…I’m admitting it.

Perhaps, sometimes, you feel the same?

So, what do we do about it?

“We let LOVE land.” I heard this line from the very cool and very wise Dr. Sue Morter awhile back and it’s stuck with me.

We are all good enough as is, with no changes, or tweaks required. In essence, we are LOVE. You, me, and the guy, girl and kid over there – each one of us is LOVE. LOVE is the energy we came from, the energy that courses through our veins, and the energy we’ll return too.

Remembering that we are LOVE, and living life with love in our hearts, with compassion in our movements, with joy in our actions will quickly quell our feelings of, “I’m not good enough.”

Remembering we are LOVE, waking up each morning intending to serve with love, communicate with love, give love, receive love, BE love allows “I Am Enough” to take form.

But, If we wake up each and everyday and continue to let “I’m not good enough” inform our lives, we will continue to live lives that reflect this belief, mistakenly convincing us each and everyday, that we are not good enough.

Feeling “I Am Enough” is a commitment to LOVE, to being the love you already are.

It also takes the following three things:
1. MOVEMENT – Any movement…any tiny, little, minuscule baby step of movement is better than no movement. Take action each and every day.
2. KINDNESS – Instead of struggling in “stuck-ness,” be kind and gentle with yourself. Embrace where you are. Love yourself through your process.
3. REVEALING Yourself – When it’s more painful to keep yourself jailed choose courage and allow yourself to be seen. Allow your revealing.

It’s in movement, kindness, and revealing that we begin to know that we are enough…as is…just as we are. And in the space of “I Am Enough” we find movement, kindness and reveling in the reveal.

xo

PS: When do you feel not good enough and when do you feel “I Am Enough”? What helps you feel enough? Please share in the comments below.

PSS: If you haven’t yet heard of Dr. Sue Morter, please check out her site www.DrSueMorter.com. She is quite the amazing teacher! I was blown away not only by her authenticity, but by her commitment to sharing the bridge between science, spirit and human potential in such an easy to understand, wholehearted way.

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I’m proud to be a woman.

March is Women’s History Month, and wow do we have some splendid shoes to fill and beautiful examples to look up too. Strong, smart, courageous, gorgeous women have come before to show us the way, to show us what can be done, what can be accomplished, and what can be won. They have shown us what one woman can do on her own, as well as what a group of women can create collaboratively.

These women took a stand. Some expressed themselves politically, others passionately, some in words, others in artistic expression, some by saying no to status quo, others by saying yes to equal rights, some by following their dreams, and still others by protesting and protecting the rights of many.

Each woman stood up for herself, used her voice, and said no to those who said she wasn’t able, wasn’t smart enough, wasn’t strong enough, wasn’t qualified, wasn’t equal, wasn’t worthy.

Some of these amazing heroines have already passed and others are still alive and thriving. Alive or dead, they each continue to exemplify the way to empowerment, expression, equality, and freedom through courage. They model what belief in self and the power of a single woman and/or the power of women banded together for a common purpose can create.

To learn more about the wonderful women who epitomize the best of the best women who made and continue to make history on a daily basis, check out the Women’s History Month website.

And, if you aren’t that web savvy, you can just walk into any school, any hospital, or any home and meet them there.

This Women’s History Month, I’d like to acknowledge all the women who make history on a daily basis yet don’t receive the accolades. These are the women who each and everyday serve not only in our schools and hospitals, and especially in our homes, but also in our corporations and small businesses, our non-profits, local government, and art institutions. These women are everywhere doing everyday history making.

These are the women who stand strong for the rights of all to learn, grow, and thrive, to be heard, to count, and to feel safe, to be fed, clothed, nurtured, and loved. These are the women who show up, who give unconditionally, who love wholeheartedly. These are the women who find solutions, who work together, who create calmness in the chaos of life. These are the everyday wonder women.

These women, along with all those who’ve received notoriety, I call my sisters. I’m proud to be one of you.

I’m proud to be a card-carrying member of the Everyday Wonder Woman Club.

I’m proud to be doing my small part, to be making an impact on the lives I touch, and helping to leave the planet better than I found it. I’m proud to be making history in my world.

Happy Women’s History Month. Let’s make it an everyday thing.

Leave a comment and share how you make history as a everyday wonder woman. It’s time to be acknowledged for making your mark. It’s time to be proud and gloat…a little bit.

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NO.

Say it with me, N-O means NO. When you say it, it’s to be respected and honored and heard, right?

For many of us, it was our first word.

It’s the word that began to define us as unique individuals. When we were young, we said NO and we meant it. It stated very clearly, very concisely what we liked, what we didn’t like, what we wanted, what we didn’t want, who we were, and who we weren’t. It’s a precise, to the point word.

It’s also the word that the “terrible twos” is known for. For 365 days, it’s the word that labeled us “terrible”. NO got us into trouble. Our parents and teachers didn’t want to hear it, and they certainly didn’t like it.

We learned from an early age that NO in fact does mean NO, but not always in the way we thought. In many instances, NO meant that if we said it, the opposite of what we wanted was likely to occur.

Sure, most of us had some leeway. We had the right to say NO to the incidentals. We could say NO to Cheerios, or NO to wearing one shirt over another, or NO to having our hair brushed out, but what about the majors?

What about the security, care, and lifeline items? What about the times when we said NO to being changed, or being put in the car seat, or eating our greens, or going to sleep, or taking a bath? Were you heard?

What about that time when we said NO quite loudly to doing one more errand resulting in a down and dirty temper tantrum right there for all to see and hear in the grocery store parking lot? Or, the time when we balked at not being love-mushed (aka kisses galore) by Aunt Alice? Were you respected for your ability to voice your opinion?

For many of us, these were the times when NO had the opposite affect. These were the times when saying NO got other people angry, or hurt their feelings, or made them embarrassed. These are the times when we heard “I’m the Mom and what I say goes!!”

(Just to be transparent, I have said these EXACT words myself!)

Over time, we came to understand that saying NO was meant to be said sparingly if not at all. We didn’t want to be considered “terrible” or have someone be mad at us. We didn’t want to be considered rude or selfish. We wanted to make others feel good and happy. We wanted to keep the peace. And, we quickly learned that saying YES got us more of what we ultimately desired most—love, belonging, praise, care, validation, and positive attention.

So we turned our NO into YES, and in the process NO became an unused, puny muscle instead of the powerful one it was meant to be.

Where do you say YES when you really want to say NO?

You may not say YES in every moment, or in every role you play, but I bet if you’re honest with yourself, you will find a relationship, or situation where you would like to say NO more often, and yet you don’t.

Of course there are going to be times when saying YES is appropriate and expected and the perfect choice. There are going to be times when NO isn’t an option. That said, NO is more of an option than we have been led to be believe. We grew up thinking NO got us nowhere, and that’s a rule that’s sorely outdated.

The power of working your NO muscle is that when you know how to say NO with conviction, you can say YES with certainty. When you know what your NO is, you also know what your YES is. You have clarity and control over your choices and decisions.

So how do we learn to set boundaries and say NO? How do we begin to work that muscle so that it begins working for us? How do we do it without coming off as rude or selfish?

Brass tacks? Just like with anything, to get good at something, you are going to have to practice. You are going to have to practice saying NO firmly without being wishy-washy.

To make it easier, less scary, and more fun, remember there are FIVE FACES OF NO at your disposal.

The FIVE FACES OF NO are:

1. The WHY Face: Know your NO. Know your WHY. Know why you are saying NO in the first place. Your WHY is about you. Your WHY factors your needs, desires, and feelings in. Your WHY is your reason and it doesn’t have to make sense to anybody else but you. Knowing why NO is a better choice for you is the first crucial component to being able to say NO and mean it.
2. The KIND Face: Be grateful and kind. Just saying NO right off the bat as a flip retort is not going to win you the respect that a considerate, kind and grateful-for-the-opportunity NO will get you. Delivering your NO with kindness and gratitude won’t come across as rude. It will come across as confident and compassionate.
3. The DETERMINED Face: Be Determined. There are going to always be people who will push you, needle you, and try repeatedly to get you to go from NO to YES. Especially in the beginning, if saying NO just hasn’t been your thing, people are going to try to throw you off your game. People want what they want. It’s human nature. That said, so is standing firm. Be determined in your NO.
4. The FORGET ABOUT IT Face: Once you say NO, try with all your might to let it go. Don’t worry about what they thought, or how you could have said it better, or what you will miss out on. Don’t dwell in the past. You got to Fuhgeddaboudit!
5. The COURAGEOUS Face: For sure, you gotta be courageous. NO takes guts. NO takes conviction. It can be scary to say NO and mean it and you know what? You’re up for it. Rely on your courage to make NO as equal a response as YES.

All five faces work in tandem to give you a strong foundation from which you can deliver your NO. You gotta start somewhere, right? So, which face will you put on first?

Remember, NO is your right. Say NO because you’re worth it.

Image credit: ratoca / 123RF Stock Photo

For this good girl, getting an A+ is a dance-of-joy moment. If you don’t know how to do the dance-of-joy, get up right now, wiggle your hips and twirl around the room like a six-year-old on Christmas morning. Bet you can’t help but laugh out loud.

After being interviewed, I asked David McMillian, Marriage and Family Therapist, and host of the daily Strategies for Living radio show/podcast, how I did and how I could improve.

When he willingly, without hesitation gave me an A+ I was SO STOKED. He also said I was engaged, and authentic, and on topic. All amazing compliments from a man who has interviewed the likes of Neale Donald Walsch, Bernie Siegel, and a bunch of other well-known, big-named, very-cool authors.

I haven’t done very many radio shows (yet) so while I know there is much room for improvement, I’ll take my A+ and also give myself two thumbs up.

David and I ran the gamut and had a great conversation. If you’ve ever wondered…

What is a good girl?
What’s great about a good girl in relationship?
Are there good boys too?
What does addiction have to do with it?
Why is it super important to put on your O2 mask first?
Where do you start when you’re ready to break your good girl rules?

…you might want to give it a listen. You can check my Strategies for Living podcast HERE.

Oh, and check this out, David is also going to air it on HealthyLife.net at the end of March. Woot! Thanks David. I give you an A+ too.

Oh yeah, one more thing. If you have any questions after listening to the podcast, please leave them in the comments section below. I’ll be happy to answer you personally.

xo

Image credit: fergregory / 123RF Stock Photo

Aretha Franklin made R-E-S-P-E-C-T an anthem. She took the Otis Redding tune, and made it her own. RESPECT ain’t no woosy song. It’s the song of an empowered, confident woman…a woman demanding respect.

In the 70’s, it became a battle cry for the feminist movement. The song demands that men respect women, that we have all they need, and that, in return, we deserve their admiration. We deserve their “propers” or in today’s hip-hop slang, “props”. We deserve proper respect and our due.

I’m about to give you all of my money

And all I’m askin’ in return, honey

Is to give me my propers

When you get home (just a, just a, just a, just a)

Yeah baby (just a, just a, just a, just a)

When you get home (just a little bit)

Yeah (just a little bit)

In my opinion, Aretha and her rendition of R-E-S-P-E-C-T also gave women something sacred to think about. What does RESPECT mean? We are all unique and RESPECT can mean different things to different women.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Find out what it means to me.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Take care, TCB.

TCB is an abbreviation for, “Taking Care of Business.” It was widely used in the 60’s and 70’s in African-American culture.

So, what does RESPECT mean to you?

Respecting yourself is taking care of business. You gotta respect you first, in order to demand respect from others. RESPECT is a crucial component of Sacred Self-Care.

As we know, we are all different. Here are some aspects of RESPECT that you might consider as you formulate your own definition.

R – Release the REAL You – You are beautiful, charismatic, funny, giving, loving, smart, sexy, and sensational. You are you. DON’T BE ASHAMED OF YOU. Don’t hide your true self, your thoughts, feelings and opinions, your quirkiness, and unique ways. DON’T HIDE YOU. No one can do it, be it, and bring it like you. Be proud of yourself, and who you are. Live out of the box.

E – Establish Boundaries – Saying NO is saying YES to you. It is NOT SELFISH to say NO. You are saying NO to overwhelm, feeling guilty, and being a doormat. You are saying NO to things that don’t make you happy. You are a strong woman living life on your own terms and you know when to say no.

S – Stop Self-Sabotage – Down with your INNER BULLY! She doesn’t run the show. There are enough bullies in the world and you don’t need to be one of them. We are so good at putting ourselves down, making ourselves feel bad, and beating ourselves up because of it. RESPECT is about being kind to ourselves, and remembering we are human and that we make mistakes, and also that when we do step in sh*t, it isn’t the end of the world.

P – Put Yourself First – This is one of the most difficult things for women to do. It’s the oxygen mask theory. You have to take care of you first in order to be able to take care of everyone else. Seriously! If you’re on a plane and the oxygen masks drops and you first fiddle around trying to perfectly put it on your kid, you could suffocate and potentially die. What good are you then? How will that help your child? Take care of you first and have the energy and strength to continue to serve.

E – Express Yourself – Tell it like it is sister! Don’t hold your tongue. Say what you need to say with compassion and kindness. Say what you need to say with straightforward truth and sincerity. Say what you need to say to express your love, joy, and excitement. Share it. Your feelings are a gift. Give it. Say what you need to say to express your sadness, anger, shame, and guilt. Get it out from within you. Don’t let it fester. Break your silence.

C – Celebrate – We rarely take a moment to enjoy the moment. We rarely celebrate or allow ourselves to be praised and acknowledged for who we are and what we do. Instead of marking an occasion, we stand back and evaluate what we could have done better, and what we would do differently the next time around. And in the meantime, we are removed from the present and instead focused on the past and future. Remember to celebrate you. You are worth celebrating.

T – Take in love – You are a giver. You contribute and take care, you support and provide. You’re so good at making other people feel loved. You’re a natural. Remember that RESPECT is a give and take. You need to feel loved too. Not just from others, but from yourself. RESPECT is about loving you too.

So, again, what does RESPECT mean to you?

R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Find out what it means to me.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Take care, TCB.

Thanks Aretha for reminding us to take care of business!

In lieu of Valentine’s Day, I’ve excerpted this post, R-E-S-P-E-C-T, from The Good Girl’s Guide to Sacred Self Care, a six-part series I’ve created for my clients. To me, love and respect go hand-in-hand. Gotta love and respect you. Gotta love and respect others. Gotta give to get. And, you gotta get to give.

So, give and get sweet love and resounding respect this Valentine’s Day and every other day too.

xo,

Being home has definitely left an impression.

Some things haven’t changed a bit!

And some things have changed considerably. So many things I forgot, or perhaps more accurately, I filed away. So many things I am present to now that back then I had no concept of. When you’re little, everything is big. When you are big, going back puts things in perspective. Perhaps that’s why I was so present to it all being so small.

When we first moved to Rye, we lived in another house on another street but this house was my house, it was where I grew up. I consider it my childhood home. Interestingly enough, I not only remember it cozy and nestled, but also know that what happened there is the reason I left home in such a hurry. My distaste for Rye, which I’ve carried around for so many years, stems from what went on under that roof. And the trees couldn’t protect us from the black cloud in our midst.

When you were a kid, did you have a place you used to go that made you feel safe? Where you could be you? Where you felt free? For me, that was Rye Beach. I LOVED and still love Rye Beach. It was my place.

This is where I would come to think, feel, cry, escape, and dream (all when I wasn’t lusting after lifeguards.)

You would think that Mother Nature would have cooperated but no…not so much.

One of the things I used to do, all the time, as soon as I got my license, was drive around. Some would say aimlessly, others would say deliberately, and I would say, purposely to create a dividing line between dysfunction and me.

Some days I would drive here.

And other days I would drive (and stop and ride the Dragon Coaster) here.

And still other days, I would end up here. YUM!

Did I mention that I graduated High School in Rye? I did. We were the Rye Garnets. I loved being a Rye Garnet.

The whole reason I went home was to see if I could locate the happy. I couldn’t remember the happy. Besides it being weird to go back, and being surprised by it feeling small, I was also present to how good I had it and what a wonderful place Rye, NY was to grow up.

I hope you’ve enjoyed my trip down memory lane. Have you ever gone home? What were your takeaways? Mine were powerful, and sweeter than I expected.

I’d love to hear about your experience of going home. Please leave your comments below.

xo

I’m home.

Back on the east coast, back in the tri-state energy, back in a NY state of mind.

Back.

I spent yesterday immersed in nostalgia. From early morning to late evening, I spent time with both 80’s me and 90’s me. I began the day by taking a trip down memory lane and going home to Rye, NY where I graduated high school, and then spent the evening with a best friend from college who I haven’t seen in 20 years.

My friend even brought pictures of the 90′s me. Yikes.

Me with big poufy bangs, me wearing baggy clothes, me when I had lots of friends who were boys, me the adventurer, me the beautiful, me when I drank A LOT, me the communicator, me the life of the party, me.

I remember such a different picture of the 80’s high school me.
Or, so I thought before going home. (Read my preparation to go home here.)

All day I was hit with wave, after wave, after wave of layer, after layer, after layer of me. Me, in the past.

I now know two-things:
I know I went deep, learned much, and felt fully.
It sounds weird but I feel different, more integrated.
I feel lighter, less burdened.

I also know I am nowhere near done processing all that occurred!! I thought I was going to wrap up this journey in three posts but now, I’m not so sure that will be the case.

It was one of the best days, and also one of the longest days I have ever spent.

The emotions. The feelings. The memories. The connections. The laughter and tears (I thank the extraordinarily HOT hot-sauce for this one!)

I remembered the angst-y.
And much more importantly, I remembered the happy.

I took video of many of the places I visited and my reactions to them, and am now editing them together. I am not sure you will like it, or find it funny, but I like it and it cracks me up. I crack me up.

I used to be so afraid of what other people think, and now? Not so much. I have come SO far.

Of course, I want you to be happy. I want you to be happy as much as I want to be happy, but I am not going to sacrifice my happiness for yours.

And my quirky uniqueness makes me happy. When I was 16, I didn’t see my weirdness as a strength but I do now.

I’ll post video soon. Looking forward to hearing if it cracks you up too. For now, here’s still-frame of me driving to hold you over.

By the way, have you ever journeyed home and seen where you grew up through adult eyes? What was your biggest take-away? Let me know what you learned in the comments section below.